The Sickie

Whoa, another sneaky sickie eh? Well not, at least not this time. Pulling a sickie is mean mean business, unless of course if you're really on massive doses of antibiotics and with limbs almost hanging out by death's cliff. Because if that is the case, believe me, it'll show, there will be no need for pretense and pale make up. On other less serious circumstances though, it is a different ball game. Calling in work and telling the boss that you're "feeling a bit under the weather" is just another way of saying that you don't feel like rocking up today becuase the sun is shining too brightly outside and it will be such a waste of your life to be confined in the office. "A throbbing headache" or "coming up with a cold" are just too lame and totally, totally not convincing at all. If you're coming up with a cold, it is still on the way and hasn't come yet right?...so might as well go to work and see if the cold really rears up its ugly head, coz in many cases it doesn't! If you are to invent it, spare yourself the modesty, be creative. Say, a stomach/intestinal infection sounds a helluva better than "gas" and "stomach ache" right? For girls, sometimes it's helpful to throw in some terms like "dysmenorrhea."

Now, as much as we want to shy away from directly speaking to our bosses to inform them of this "unplanned" absence, it is a no-go to casually shoot them an email and forget about everything. Do call! Piece of advice, the earlier in the morning, the better, more effectively just the second after you turn from your bed, this is the time that you'll have the sickest, croakiest voice; if you're a good actor throw in a few coughs or throat-clearing sounds as well but do not overdo it. Oh, another thing... calling on a Monday morning is slightly more suspicious than chucking in a sickie in the middle of the week. Why? Well, if you have a reputation of getting trashed during weekends, then there is no better explanation for Monday morning sickness rather than just overindulging in alcohol the previous day, isn't it? So, Monday sickies, avoid it. There goes your plan for long, laid back weekends. By all means, stay away from the pub or restaurants near your work place, that will be suicide to be seen with a pot of beer in your hand while you're supposed to be home sick. If you need to go out of the house, make sure to rug up, complete with beanie and all, this works two ways - for disguise, or a convincing attire to say that you're on the way to the doctors should you bump into one of your colleagues.

Do not turn up the next day newly manicured, pedicured, sporting a new haircut or even worse, a tan! All the hard work of acting will immediately get flushed down the drain, if you so idiotically do the above. You'd want to be seen as "not fully recovered" but "recovering" in order to generate the sort of concern you'd like (and to dissuade any more work thrown at your desk for the meantime at least). Do what you can, run to the loo a couple of times, let out a big fat flatulence (ooh!), look nauseous - to achieve this, you may want to stick some hot jalapeno peppers up your nostrils for full effect, don't talk too much, and sulk. Perhaps discreetly mention the word "specialist" and "infection" and "tests" over the phone when your boss is within earshot. No doubt, all threads of suspicion will soon be gone.

The above is written for fun, I am not suggesting that you do them (disclaimer), just some things to ponder upon when "situations" arise. Tee-hee! I gotta go, got a massssssiiiiivvvveee headache.