Beware the Cranky Me

Cranky. Oh yes that was me. That was me when... quietly preparing to slip into the piece of swimwear, a sudden yank of the change room curtain exposed my naked self to the eyes of a total stranger! Female but stranger all the same. A millisecond of shock, and then the temper. She excused herself and said that she did not see anything. The hell she didn't, but she just intruded on my privacy and I am nothing else but crossed. There was no hesitation when I cracked it and spoke my mind. To be honest I wasn't in the most perfect of moods and most pleasant of state that day, thus the retail therapy... and then came the ignoramus. Yes, my language... watch my language, but I write with full feelings and with no pretense of niceness or charm when I want so much to be the opposite. Sure, it obviously was not intentional. I guess idiocy is not intentional too huh. There were about ten cubicles for changing, with only about 3 - 4 occupied, and that halfwit chose to make a beeline for the one at the far left end with curtains drawn and with a tag bearing the number of items for fitting that is so hard to miss. Isn't that obvious enough that someone is inside? Argh!

This led me into thinking about change room etiquette. What can do and what can't do? Drawn curtains, visible feet and legs from the bottom... signs that it is occupied! If unsure, it does not hurt to holler and ask. There are some fitting rooms which are communal, with big mirrors all around. In these, people normally take a certain corner and mind their own business. Bad to stare at others, directly or through the mirrors. It is also a no go to check other people's arses out, comparing them to your own imperfect one. I also find that many would just leave the clothes they have tried on inside the change room, that is ok as long as they have been hang on the hook or placed neatly on the bench. There are those who treat departments stores and fitting rooms like their own bedrooms, with the change of clothes strewn around on the floor. Unbelievable. And, if I may say... I would not hesitate to blow my cap off towards the mother of naughty toddlers/kids crawling under other people's occupied change rooms! Yeah yeah they are innocent, unknowing, little kids... but they have eyes, I don't like being ogled at! So either they're kept behaved not leaving their mom's side, or they be put on a leash (at least in change rooms!)

Oh man, of course I am fully aware of the above statements reeking with meanness. And I am not taking them back.

The Sickie

Whoa, another sneaky sickie eh? Well not, at least not this time. Pulling a sickie is mean mean business, unless of course if you're really on massive doses of antibiotics and with limbs almost hanging out by death's cliff. Because if that is the case, believe me, it'll show, there will be no need for pretense and pale make up. On other less serious circumstances though, it is a different ball game. Calling in work and telling the boss that you're "feeling a bit under the weather" is just another way of saying that you don't feel like rocking up today becuase the sun is shining too brightly outside and it will be such a waste of your life to be confined in the office. "A throbbing headache" or "coming up with a cold" are just too lame and totally, totally not convincing at all. If you're coming up with a cold, it is still on the way and hasn't come yet right?...so might as well go to work and see if the cold really rears up its ugly head, coz in many cases it doesn't! If you are to invent it, spare yourself the modesty, be creative. Say, a stomach/intestinal infection sounds a helluva better than "gas" and "stomach ache" right? For girls, sometimes it's helpful to throw in some terms like "dysmenorrhea."

Now, as much as we want to shy away from directly speaking to our bosses to inform them of this "unplanned" absence, it is a no-go to casually shoot them an email and forget about everything. Do call! Piece of advice, the earlier in the morning, the better, more effectively just the second after you turn from your bed, this is the time that you'll have the sickest, croakiest voice; if you're a good actor throw in a few coughs or throat-clearing sounds as well but do not overdo it. Oh, another thing... calling on a Monday morning is slightly more suspicious than chucking in a sickie in the middle of the week. Why? Well, if you have a reputation of getting trashed during weekends, then there is no better explanation for Monday morning sickness rather than just overindulging in alcohol the previous day, isn't it? So, Monday sickies, avoid it. There goes your plan for long, laid back weekends. By all means, stay away from the pub or restaurants near your work place, that will be suicide to be seen with a pot of beer in your hand while you're supposed to be home sick. If you need to go out of the house, make sure to rug up, complete with beanie and all, this works two ways - for disguise, or a convincing attire to say that you're on the way to the doctors should you bump into one of your colleagues.

Do not turn up the next day newly manicured, pedicured, sporting a new haircut or even worse, a tan! All the hard work of acting will immediately get flushed down the drain, if you so idiotically do the above. You'd want to be seen as "not fully recovered" but "recovering" in order to generate the sort of concern you'd like (and to dissuade any more work thrown at your desk for the meantime at least). Do what you can, run to the loo a couple of times, let out a big fat flatulence (ooh!), look nauseous - to achieve this, you may want to stick some hot jalapeno peppers up your nostrils for full effect, don't talk too much, and sulk. Perhaps discreetly mention the word "specialist" and "infection" and "tests" over the phone when your boss is within earshot. No doubt, all threads of suspicion will soon be gone.

The above is written for fun, I am not suggesting that you do them (disclaimer), just some things to ponder upon when "situations" arise. Tee-hee! I gotta go, got a massssssiiiiivvvveee headache.

To Queue Up: A Complex Idea

Haven't we been taught since young to observe proper behaviour and good manners? Weren't we made to strictly abide by signs put up in gardens to not pick the flowers, feed the birds, throw our litters on the ground, or stick chewing gum under chairs and desks? Hasn't it been over and over again ingrained in us to fall in queue, get a number, wait for our turn to be served, knock before barging in someone else's room? Didn't we already get enough serious scolding or punishment for being late, acting boisterously when we shouldn't be, or for being mean, unreasonable, and playing out other unaccepted mannerisms and behaviours?

Well, obviously some didn't learn these rules well enough by heart, or just simply chose to fling them out of the window. It is annoying when a child misbehaves repeatedly or purposedly ignore what he knows is the right thing to do; we do sometimes let them off for the (lame) excuse that they are children. However, when it is an adult who commits the same offense, it is not only annoying, but infuriating, and we have lesser tolerance. One particular example, Sunday last week four of us went to see the Comedy Festival. Twenty minutes before the show people started forming a queue, oh yes, Wil Anderson shows are pretty popular and if you're not fast enough you'd be watching it from the very back. Good for us, we were early to avoid the rapidly piling up of people behind us. But what do you know, some are obviously even "faster" and "well prepared..." We were taken aback when a group of four suddenly pressed themselves in front of us... at first we though that they might be together with the other group who are already queueing up ahead but we asked and they weren't. Well well well, in case they have missed the river of people properly standing in line, we had to remind them, right? But duh, even the most short-sighted ones wouldn't be that blind. And so, very politely, our friend J called their attention and told them that the queue is uhmmm...over there, pointing to the far end. The response that he got?... "Oh, we were here over an hour ago, we just went away to snack and have coffee." We weren't too impressed. And in my mind, oh hellllloooooo, what a brilliant idea, come mark your spot with a bit of a wee like a dog does maybe, trot away and return happily after an hour claiming back your territory. Humour me please! Hey mister, although your behaviour speaks othewise, I can still see that you're bipedal, ergo human(?) as you are dressed to the nines. I must snobbishly say though that fine garments and accessories may shroud physical imperfections, but in no way can it conceal poor breeding. And cutting the line is not class at all.

If society doesn't have some set rules for people to observe, then we would definitely be in a ridiculously chaotic state (not that we aren't already in), but even worse I dare to say. If everyone is free to do whatever he pleases, when and how he pleases it, and according to his own twisted sense of reasoning, then you wouldn't even want to ask me what I'd be getting up to. If one finds difficulty in following simple civilities and decorum, such as queueing up, expressing gratitude or apology when it is in order, honouring a verbal or written contract, then how could this person give any regard to responsibilities that require trust and honesty in more complex situations?

Some people seriously need to be enlisted to etiquette and manners school, beat the innate polite nature out of them, or if they have none, then forcibly feed them those concepts well enough for them to be able to exercise them. We certainly do not need any more embarrassment to mankind.